Humour
Ben
The new priest
The new vicar was so nervous that he could barely speak before his first sermon, so he asked the bishop for some advice.
The monsignor said: "It may help you to add a few drops of vodka to pitcher of water. After a few sips, all should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new vicar put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great and when returning to the rectory, he found the following not from the bishop:
My dear vicar,
I gladly give you some feedback and advice on your first sermon. I do hope that you will take it to heart:
1) It is unnecessary to attach lemon to the rim of the grail
2) The big parcel next to the altar is the confession box, not the toilet.
3) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
4) The number of apostels was 12 and not 7 - none of the apostels was a dwarf or wore a red cap...
5) Jesus and the apostels are not referred to as "J.C. & the Gang".
6) David slew Goliath with a stone. He didn't "fix him to death".
7) We don't call Judas "the son of a devious mountain whore", and the pope is not "El Padrino"
Bin Laden has nothing to do with Jesus' death.
9) We use the holy water to give blessings not as refreshment.
10) I really wonder why you downed the wine in one gulp and then bit the lemon!
11) The communion wafer is meant for the believers and not a snack to go with the wine.
12) The chick with the small titties was the Virgin Mary; kindly refrain from leaning onto the statue, all the less you ought to hug her or even kiss.
13) And please! It is the Virgin Mary, not “Mary with the cherry”.
14) The 'freak' in the church nave, by the way is Jesus; he doesn't hang about there either, but was nailed to the cross
15) The cross isn't called "The big T"
16) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
17) Neither do we call the Father, Son and Holy Spirit "Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook”
1 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "beat his ass".
19) Joseph was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ass."
20) Last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down the steps, don't slide down the rail.
PS: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
PPS: "The gay chap in the in the corner of the choir" as you put it and whom you even called a "freaking transvestite in a skirt" ... that was ME.
May I suggest that you add a few drops of vodka to your water next time, rather than the other way round?
Truly yours,
the bishop
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