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Good advice, hope. Something I admire about you ladies, most of you have excellent manners and understand what is proper and acceptable social protocol; you are very polite and considerate. (I will not name the exceptions.) If you come to America, don’t expect everyone to show the same courtesy you have always known. While manners and proper etiquette are taught in many families, mostly not. Some of this is due to American feminism (which I believe is different than your Russian feminism); most is due to total ignorance and lack of proper education. You will probably be hurt by the rudeness of some people here and not understand. Not that they are intentionally mean; they’re mostly oblivious regarding proper behavior. You will cry in your room many times if your new husband does not understand your needs and accommodate your feelings in this totally different environment. That includes his relationship with the old lady. ))
American rudeness may abruptly appear if you must ever meet the former spouse. In my opinion, if he still maintains a “friendship” with the ex-wife, you will likely suffer terrible pain, loneliness and feel rejected, alone in a foreign country without friends. You believed he should forsake all others and cling only to you; that is also my belief and it is perfectly correct. Being buddies with the ex-wife is totally unacceptable. If they share children, he must be cordial to her, but no affection – that is reserved only for you. Demand he understand and respect this. This is not a matter of jealousy; by keeping inappropriate ties, he is disrespecting you and your feelings, failing to honor you and placing his conduct above your precious marriage. Of course, you should feel hurt and have every right to be angry with this type of disrespect, but you can teach; preferably before you marry him. After that, good luck!
Your husband and the ex-wife have probably had far more time to build their dysfunctional relationship than you have had to create yours with him. Your husband’s and his ex-wife’s failure to comprehend the effect of their own ridiculously inconsiderate behavior on you is common; if you come to America, you will experience culture shock like never before. They first thing will be an aura of self-centeredness and disregard for others. I lived in Germany two years; when I returned to the US, even I wanted to climb back in the plane. I had become used to order, neat, pretty, clean, simple courtesy, respect, politeness and a lot more. In many circles here, you will find these qualities absent. Luckily, I returned to my own family where these things were taught and normal.
When a couple marries, a transition time, adjusting to each other and the new environment, is normal. Often there is much conflict you must work through – together, on your own! Typically, this is a challenge when you both speak the same language and have known each other for years. If the ex-wife is involved, she is lethal. Imagine being trapped in a dysfunctional social hell without friends, family, not knowing the language, while you attempt this transition. Now imagine if the ex-wife helps; sharing with you everything you should know about this man with whom she intimately shared many years. Part of the proper process is finding this stuff out on your own! No one needs her help, including him!
When I married, my family took my wife under their wings and loved her like their own (even when she wasn’t always lovable). She became their child, too. They became her new support group and cheering section. When you marry a man and come to this country, he may be your only emotional support and cheering section. Imagine if the two of you have an argument and he goes and asks the ex-wife for advice or runs and cries on her understanding shoulder, saying you don’t understand like she used to. If he is all you have, what will you do? Ladies, this happens all the time. My advice? Get rid of her! She already had her chance and failed, which is why you are here!
Be advised, American society is crumbling in many ways. Several nights ago, I debated a young man who tried to convince me of the beauty and fulfillment of his poly-amorous marriage; that would be he and his pregnant wife, and her boyfriend, and his girlfriend and their children and his wife’s children with her boyfriend, and his wife’s children with him and whomever else, all living contentedly together in a happy, healthy rewarding marriage. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Tell me now so I can exit the building. This was not some social low-life with no education, ladies. This guy was in college studying to be a psychologist!
Beware; know without a doubt to whom you are giving yourself. The ex-wife may only be the tip of the problem. When deciding if to spend your life with this man, demand to meet, know, and be accepted by his family so you will have support if he should ever become angry or turn on you. You marry not only him, but you marry them all. Make sure you can live with them, too. There is a saying here, blood is thicker than water. It is true for most. Ladies, marriage is hard, deliberate work. Give yourself all possible advantages by removing all possible obstacles.
American rudeness may abruptly appear if you must ever meet the former spouse. In my opinion, if he still maintains a “friendship” with the ex-wife, you will likely suffer terrible pain, loneliness and feel rejected, alone in a foreign country without friends. You believed he should forsake all others and cling only to you; that is also my belief and it is perfectly correct. Being buddies with the ex-wife is totally unacceptable. If they share children, he must be cordial to her, but no affection – that is reserved only for you. Demand he understand and respect this. This is not a matter of jealousy; by keeping inappropriate ties, he is disrespecting you and your feelings, failing to honor you and placing his conduct above your precious marriage. Of course, you should feel hurt and have every right to be angry with this type of disrespect, but you can teach; preferably before you marry him. After that, good luck!
Your husband and the ex-wife have probably had far more time to build their dysfunctional relationship than you have had to create yours with him. Your husband’s and his ex-wife’s failure to comprehend the effect of their own ridiculously inconsiderate behavior on you is common; if you come to America, you will experience culture shock like never before. They first thing will be an aura of self-centeredness and disregard for others. I lived in Germany two years; when I returned to the US, even I wanted to climb back in the plane. I had become used to order, neat, pretty, clean, simple courtesy, respect, politeness and a lot more. In many circles here, you will find these qualities absent. Luckily, I returned to my own family where these things were taught and normal.
When a couple marries, a transition time, adjusting to each other and the new environment, is normal. Often there is much conflict you must work through – together, on your own! Typically, this is a challenge when you both speak the same language and have known each other for years. If the ex-wife is involved, she is lethal. Imagine being trapped in a dysfunctional social hell without friends, family, not knowing the language, while you attempt this transition. Now imagine if the ex-wife helps; sharing with you everything you should know about this man with whom she intimately shared many years. Part of the proper process is finding this stuff out on your own! No one needs her help, including him!
When I married, my family took my wife under their wings and loved her like their own (even when she wasn’t always lovable). She became their child, too. They became her new support group and cheering section. When you marry a man and come to this country, he may be your only emotional support and cheering section. Imagine if the two of you have an argument and he goes and asks the ex-wife for advice or runs and cries on her understanding shoulder, saying you don’t understand like she used to. If he is all you have, what will you do? Ladies, this happens all the time. My advice? Get rid of her! She already had her chance and failed, which is why you are here!
Be advised, American society is crumbling in many ways. Several nights ago, I debated a young man who tried to convince me of the beauty and fulfillment of his poly-amorous marriage; that would be he and his pregnant wife, and her boyfriend, and his girlfriend and their children and his wife’s children with her boyfriend, and his wife’s children with him and whomever else, all living contentedly together in a happy, healthy rewarding marriage. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Tell me now so I can exit the building. This was not some social low-life with no education, ladies. This guy was in college studying to be a psychologist!
Beware; know without a doubt to whom you are giving yourself. The ex-wife may only be the tip of the problem. When deciding if to spend your life with this man, demand to meet, know, and be accepted by his family so you will have support if he should ever become angry or turn on you. You marry not only him, but you marry them all. Make sure you can live with them, too. There is a saying here, blood is thicker than water. It is true for most. Ladies, marriage is hard, deliberate work. Give yourself all possible advantages by removing all possible obstacles.