I seek advice
Ben
HOW TO GET STARTED - some hints
Many come, register, take their time to set up a profile, meticulously select photos, carefully consider what to write in the personal section and walk through the psychology test. But what next? All this to receive a simple "Hey there, how are you? What are you doing on this site." even on Valentine's Day! - what a turn off! What an anti-climax! I understand full well why people, and ladies especially!, are reluctant to respond.
So here are a number of hints to increase your chances of a response:
Good things to start with
- begin with small talk. You can always ask the person how their weekend was or what their day was like
- start SMALL and begin with easy topics. Many take their time to fill in their profile. There are photos, statements and hobbies that you can pick up on. That will also show the person that you have, in fact, taken your time to look and consider what they have written about themselves. 😊
- be considerate that you USUALLY chat with people who speak a different mother tongue. Keep your language simple, but not primitive. Even short lines have their beauty, especially when they come from the heart 😊
Things to avoid
- simply saying “hi” or “what are you doing here” and “why are you single”. Those are total turn-offs!
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- one-liners are for losers. If a someone writes to you in proper sentences, then credit them with doing the same. Otherwise it looks disrespectful.
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- post bombing. Give people time to think and respond. Bombarding them with messages is needless pressure and completely counterproductive.
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- engaging in sex talk (there are enough other websites for that!)
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- asking about previous relationships, past engagements and failed marriages at the beginning is nuclear!
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ALSO (just one example)
Even (or especially!) little things, like talking about the weather can be very revealing indeed.
If people complain about it, then you already know that they focus on what is disadvantageous or negative. You can also deduce, if a person enjoys being in- or outdoors.
If they're more optimistic, they will give a more positive response and be more inclined to answer or write to you themselves.
Enjoy your time and good luck with your endeavours!
Ben
I completely agree with you. But I didn't want to discriminate anybody in particular (as in "dear men..."), so I kept it in general terms, addressed to everybody. I hope "all the other men" will take the hint
Ben
Ben
I take this as a compliment. So thank you.
As for you talk (lecture) about "empathy":
I wrote this precisely because people were asking (see the thread below).
Here's a some friendly advice for you (all free of charge and without the slightest bit of irritation or arrogance):
"Open your mouth only when what you have to say is more beautiful than silence." (The same goes for posting or thrashing beautiful poems simply out of sheer spite).
Ben
Thank you very much, Valeriya!
I'm glad to read that you find it useful. I very much like the saying "It's the little things that make the world go round." Often the things that we take for granted are the things that, in fact, matter most. We become aware of this, when they suddenly go missing: like running water, daily food, heating in winter. We have access to them all the time and hardly discuss them, but have you ever seen a person in a situation without them? They go wild, because they experience a primary deprivation.
The same is true for communication. We suffer when our needs are unfulfilled, and our needs start, in fact, very small. "Drop by drop" you fill the ocean
Enjoy your communication and all the best.
"...heating in winter. We have access to them all the time and hardly discuss them, but have you ever seen a person in a situation without them? They go wild..." Теперь понятно, почему у нас такая обстановка на Ближнем Востоке - потому что у нас нет центрального отопления А вообще -то это правда, когда все время холодно, думаешь только от тепле, (да и отношений это тоже касается), поэтому у меня последние несколько дней постоянно в голове крутится это стихотворение Примаса Гуго Орлеанского((Hugo Primas) поэт-вагант XII в.) в переводе Гинзбурга (не нашла на немецком):
РАЗГОВОР С ПЛАЩЕМ
"Холод на улице лют.
Плащ мой! Какой же ты плут!
С каждой зимой ты стареешь
и совершенно не греешь.
Ах ты, проклятый балбес!
Ты, как собака, облез.
Я - твой несчастный хозяин
нынче ознобом измаян".
Плащ говорит мне в ответ:
"Много мне стукнуло лет.
Выгляжу я плоховато -
старость во всем виновата.
Прежнюю дружбу ценя,
надо заштопать меня,
а с полученьем подкладки
снова я буду в порядке.
Чтоб мою боль утолить,
надо меня утеплить.
Будь с меховым я подбоем,
было б тепло нам обоим".
Я отвечаю плащу:
"Где же я денег сыщу?
Бедность - большая помеха
в приобретении меха.
Как мне с тобой поступить,
коль не могу я купить
даже простую подкладку?..
Дай-ка поставлю заплатку!"
Зато у нас зимой хорошо живется акулам, но об этом я расскажу в моем посте...
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