Men & women
After a few letters, their messages seem to become shorter and less frequent
After several months here, I notice a pattern. Ladies I have met in Russia or Ukraine seem pleased to correspond; however, after a few letters, their messages seem to become shorter and less frequent. One unusual aspect, however. They encourage me to continue writing while they barely communicate at all.
Male logic tells me if she has no wish to write, she must not really be interested, so I move on. Certainly if she wished to continue, she would answer my letters and tell me about herself. Is there something I am not understanding? (Well, perhaps she doesn’t like me at all and is being polite!! Will not be the first time!) )))))
Years ago, I met a Ukrainian lawyer who had become a friend of my mother. She and I were friends for some time and wrote to each other often. Tanya spoke English quite well; however, she often became easily irritated over trivial issues. When I suggested there might be a misunderstanding, she became further perturbed claiming I was insulting her ability to understand English (which I had not).
I continued to write, realizing communication is often difficult even when both are present. Oddly, regardless of how irritated she became, she always ended her letters or conversations with a smile and a happy, “You may continue to write!” After a few months of this, I gave up and quit writing, thinking too much confusion to this relationship. My mother later told me Tanya had been very sad and hurt because she had really liked me. Huh!??? What!??? shock:
Apparently I failed to receive some memo. When I sense lack of interest, I do not keep trying to convince a girl to write. Women certainly have the right to ignore me (and often do) if they are not interested, and they have a right to be left alone. One thing seemed strange, however. The happy face and ”you may continue to write!” Could someone tell me why I should write when they do not seem interested? Please throw me a bone here! Thank you. (By-the-way, Tanya is now happily married to a doctor in Virginia and has twins.)
Tatyana
Попытаюсь Вам ответить! Только не обижайтесь - это моё мнение со стороны! У нас не принято много писать о том , что женщина думает, то есть философствовать! Нашим женщинам некогда этим заниматься(как говорят грубо - размазывать по стенке!)Женщина работает, так же дом, дети, А разговоры длинные и ни о чем - это не радует! Нужно больше поступков! Конечно Вам нужно найти женщину , которая Вас будет слушать- потому что , почитав Ваши длинные обширные ответы - Вы очень любите рассуждать много!Но , если женщина слушает много, тогда говорит она мало, и поэтому её письма будут короткие! И не затягивать только общение - Вы должны понять - хотите Вы быть с данной женщиной или нет!Это можно понять только при реальной встрече!И Вы уже не молоды! Нужно брать время , а не терять его впустую, нужно не разговаривать - а действовать! Вам уже 57- а время идёт так быстро!И постарайтесь просто любить женщину и делать приятные сюрпризы, ухаживайте и наслаждайтесь жизнью! И будьте счастливы и сделайте Вашу спутницу счастливой!и НЕ БУДЬТЕ НУДНЫМ И ДОТОШНЫМ! пОПРОЩЕ! вСЁ ПОЛУЧИТСЯ!
Lina
Doug!Может быть переписка была затянута по времени?Может быть дама ждала перевода отношений на более высокий уровень?Ведь пока пишешь бесконечно долгие письма,биологические часы уходят безвозвратно!А потом,времена Пушкинской Татьяны ушли безвозвратно...И может быть=это не Ваша судьба.Что Вы сами ждете от женщины,и что сами даете?Нет совпадения...
Alina
my personal opinion .... if the letters are getting shorter it means that the woman does not know what to write. the most interesting questions was asked in the beginning. a lot of questions, a lot of topics for discussion, etc. and then the woman apparently don't know what else to ask, what to say. plus the language barrier. a woman can be really interested in you, but she may just not know how to write a letters or keep up a conversation.
Doug, что касается Татьяны, думаю после длительной переписки, она ждала большего от вас. Женщина нравится вам, Вы нравитесь ей, зачем так долго ждать! Тане хотелось признания в любви, и предложения быть вашей женой. Время шло, вы продолжали писать...а она не дождавшись от вас желанных слов, стала сердится. Вы перестали ей писать, она решила что не интересна вам, Вы решили что не интересны ей. Мне очень жаль что у вас ничего не получилось! Вы хороший, умный и интересный человек! Сделайте выводы, и не допускайте больше подобных ошибок. Удачи Вам!
Alla, thanks for your response, but my question was not related to a single person. Would be impolite for me to talk about a specific individual in the forum, but obviously someone is talking somewhere else... That is probably my fault; there is sometimes a fine live between being friendly and expectation. Perhaps sometimes I am being too friendly. Still learning...
Thank you everyone for your responses. I believe I have poorly stated my question. In the US, women not longer play "hard to get" or encourage you to chase them while making it difficult to "catch" them. That is actually something girls here did when I was young. You ladies are much more traditional than ours and I was simply wondering if that is a consideration here.
Olga
Hello Doug
In my opinion, any mature woman wants proof of your personal interest in this woman, not long correspondence, even if there is common ground it is not enough for something special, namely more action on your part , deeds. That woman will appreciate and reward you doubly, the attention and personal interest, affection for you .
SO .....Less words, more meaningful actions.
Good luck, you deserve it.
Irina
Вас правильно заинтересовал этот вопрос. А у меня (думаю что не только у меня) тоже есть вопрос к мужчинам. Мне совершенно не понятно (а когда не понятно, то мне хочется все же понять) как это может мужчина ну просто так, без видимых причин, начать тебя игнорировать? Думаю что вежливый мужчина должен хоть немного внести ясность... Лично меня начинают терзать догадки всякого плана, но хочется полной ясности почему так стал странно вести себя мужчина. Я начинаю сразу думать о том что я его обидела, только чем? Начинаю думать о том что "доброжелатели" меня облили грязью и тогда как же отмыться после этого...
Doug, хотелось бы услышать Ваши мысли по этому поводу, пожалуйста.
Ahh, I could probably write a book on this subject,,
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Your observations apply to 90% of the women you will meet at any Russian dating site.
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I learned a lot about this 15 years ago,, when I first looked for a wife on the Internet.
Internet dating was very different at that time, but women and their behavior was the same.
I could tell endless stories of misunderstood letters, answers that were meant for another man,,
women that just disappeared when I arrived at their airport to meet with them.
Happy vacations that ended in nothing, disguised "prostitutes" looking for a man to take them away,
traumatic situations were women broke into despair and crying from being unable to communicate.
Sometimes inviting the woman to my home, at other times meeting her for a vacation in an exotic place.
But mostly I traveled to meet with them in their hometown.
It took me two years of endless writing and meetings,,,,,,,,,
before I finally married the one I am now divorcing with, after 13 years together.
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I probably do the same "mistake" as you, writing long and in our opinion "interesting" letters.
In addition I usually add some photos also to support my writings.....
This can be very annoying for some women, who feel somewhat unable to write as good, and lacking photos also.
One woman (with a university master degree and a lawyer by profession) wrote the following to me:
I don't feel comfortable communicating with you, as I'm unable to write such nice words dressed with beautiful photos.....
We easily forget that we are somehow living in the "entitled" world while they often feel as being less able to "impress" us.
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But I do all things intentionally,
the woman I'm looking for should be strong enough to never feel herself "overwhelmed" when communicating with me.
If she prefers writing short and precise to the point answers I have no problem with that.
But I love it, when I am able to ignite something in her mind that can get her going.
I also add some nice words about my x-wife in the first letters to get rid of those who are just jealous by nature.
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As a rule I never talk about any kind of objects that can be touched by hand or has monetary value.
I prefer talking about things that we can both enjoy on an equal level,,
Family, children, animals, nature and activities like walking, swimming, traveling inside your own country and so on.
And also about activities of the mind, like beliefs, ideas, values, interests, reading.......whatever...
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Try to always ask a few questions she can easily answer about family, children, friends, living, surroundings, happenings............
It will make her feel more comfortable when starting to write an answer to your letter.
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A wise thing to do is to write about plans for visiting her in the immediate future...
Just like there is a large percentage of men that writes to women for the excitement alone,,,
there are a lot of women doing exactly the same,, they are writing letters to you for the excitement alone..
They will go silent immediately when you propose a face to face meeting in the very near future.
From my experience this will remove approx. one out of five that are seemingly serious when writing.
All serious women will love to hear about your plans for visiting them.
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Thats it for today.......
Я привела пример с Таней, потому что Вы рассказали о ней. Я не знаю о чём Вы говорите с женщинами в переписке, поэтому не возможно понять в чём проблема. Но читая Вас на форуме, я могу предположить, что некоторые женщины не могут вам ответить так же красноречиво, как пишите Вы. Возможно тема общения её не заинтересовала. Возможно некоторые женщины пообщавшись с вами, поняли что вы не тот, кто им нужен. Мы можем только предполагать....
Hello Doug, Forgive the expression '' no fool like an old fool''...... Women in the dating website are always looking for the best that can suit them in respect of finding a man that can make them feel financially secured. They come to site holding the fishing rod hoping to catch the man of their dreams which I do not blame them for this. They try to keep as many fish as possible then they will chose the best out of the bucket. This is how it works here- Tanya kept you in the bucket among others but she finally selected a different man- did you get my drift ?
Думаю, что не нужно на этом зацикливаться, а искать дальше. Ту, с которой вам будет действительно комфортно. У женщины есть право поступать так, как она считанет нужным. Так же, как у вас есть на это право. Проанализируйте ваши письма , какие бы вопросы вы хотели задать женщине, и задайте их все сразу. Если ответы вас не устроят, то можно продолжить попытки к общению, но нужно ли? Лучше это время посвятить поискам другой женщины, которая будет вас устраивать, так же как и вы её будете устраивать. Удачи вам!
Lina
А разве мужчины ведут себя иначе?Только приоритеты другие-молодость,красота.И Вы даже не можете представить,что через ..лет Вы опять на сайте...(не конкретно Вы,ничего личного!).
Alex, thank you for your kind input. Tanya was a girl I knew almost 20 years ago; I simply used her as an example of the behavior I did not understand. I very much appreciate everyone's honest input and willingness to offer advice in an awkward situation. The dilemma has officially been solved and the train is back up on the tracks and running. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! )))))
Elena
Doug,Вы несправедливы!По-моему,большая часть женщин на сайте очарована Вами! Вам есть из кого выбирать).Но будет с Вами только та,которая назначена Вам Судьбой.(хотим мы этого или нет).)
Thank you, Elena. You ladies make too much fuss about me, but thank you for all your kind thoughts. I keep on eye on the forum, when I have time, and also try to be polite and gracious to thank you girls for your kind words, but I generally write to only one girl at a time. They usually like it that way. 😉 Besides, I do not want to give the wrong idea to anyone. Not really a lady's man...well...maybe one lady at a time.
Я прошу прощения, что пишу,т.к. понимаю , что тему вы хотите закрыть. Другому я не стала бы писать, но вам напишу, зная ваши взгляды. Самое главное, что Бог соединяет сердца. Торопимся мы или тянем с перепиской, нас выбирают или мы выбираем. Но в свое время Творец приведет твою женщину к тебе. Любящему Бога, призванному по его соизволению все содействует ко благу.
"We easily forget that we are somehow living in the "entitled" world while they often feel as being less able to "impress" us". - it's very funny when Western men communicate from that position.
Everything works together for those that love God. I know this scripture and have found it true. Not always easy to be positive in all situations, but I always must trust that life is part of a greater plan. Your words are excellent and appreciated.
Helga, I agree. When I came home to the US after two years in Germany, my heart stopped. I boarded a train in New York City from Kennedy Airport; as I watched the scenes through the window, I became very sad. To be honest, I had tears; we call this reverse culture shock. So many harsh and ungrateful people enjoying so much and yet complaining. This must seem extremely ugly to those who have never been here. Ignorance and pride is ugly anywhere.
Your perspective is sadly truthful and we must look very silly and awkward to you; but not all of us are this way. I am conscientiously grateful for what I have and blessings received. Regardless of what I have, I do not waste because I am aware what I enjoy are gifts for which to be thankful. I admire the sensibility of those in other lands who have not become spoiled as we. I appreciate simplicity, humility and respect for others. Of course, I know people are very similar all over the world, but they are not yet ruined by “entitlement”. 😉
America may have seen it’s better days; what we see happening here has happened to many cultures, yet few here seem alarmed. Many Americans are not aware how ignorant, pompous and foolish they appear. Sometimes, when they talk about my friends here on this site and foolishly babble “Those girls just want to come to America” I respond, “No, not always. Many of these girls will insist you come to their country.” I many ways, you have a better life. In Europe, I have always felt comfortable and happy with the people. I view my own people in similar fashion as you; however, I am not amused. I am saddened.
Inessa
Alex, I'm about fish and a bucket. I was in correspondence with a guy from this site for 2 months. He winked me and we started communicating. English is not his native tongue, so he could write messages, not long letters. At first, it was very difficult to find the common topics for conversation. Then he suddenly asked what I think about the picture of one famous painter and the dialogue was getting more and more interesting and lively. But I noticed that our conversation was so called 'wavy' - at some time he is active, at other time he is passive. When he became very passive, I thought he was not interested in me and wanted to stop the communication but suddenly he started again to write and send cards - roses, roses, roses. I understood that he had correspondence with some other girls and when their conversations failed he became very active with me. He planned a personal meeting with me(!). I asked hm directly if he was in correspondence with other girls. He said -yes. I stopped the relationships because there are plenty of fish in this bucket, let him catch the gold one.
Luckily, all people are different.
I personally found really cool friends from the USA and other Western countries on this site (many thanks to the site management for such an opportunity!)
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