Men & women
Mercy and Grace in the Relationship
There is a saying that "Women marry a man thinking they will change him and men marry a woman thinking she will never change. And both are wrong." So are we destined for conflict, heartache and hurt? Yes, sadly, because we are human, we make mistakes. We have misunderstandings. We fail. Anyone looking for the perfect person will not find them. Even in the best relationships, things happen that cause misunderstanding and hurt. When you add in different languages and different cultures, there is even more room for these to occur through no fault of our own. What it means is that we must offer to our special person more patience, more understanding and more willingness to accept their "flaws".There must be an open mind when you become involved with a "foreigner", with someone from another country, another culture, another language. In some ways, we must be more like a child than an adult and open our eyes and learn, rather than make quick decisions and "know what is happening" (when we really don't). An ex-girlfriend of mine had a negative opinion of me because i did not replace the "old' clothes washer and dryer in the house. She thought I was being stingy and cheap. I could not understand. She later explained that she didn't understand why I didn't have a modern clothes machine with a washer and dryer in the same unit. Well, the reason to have a combination unit is space, not efficiency or effectiveness! But she only knew what she had in Ukraine and thought it must be the right and only choice. In a multi-cultural, multi-lingual relationship, these simple misunderstandings can happen every day and we cannot take offense. Even between men and women of the same culture and same language, there are misunderstandings because we are men and women!
How can we show grace and mercy to our spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend? Try to look at things differently, with "new eyes". Expect that each day is a learning experience. Accept that we do not know what we are getting ourselves into and keep an open mind. Focus on the positive. They may be stubborn but you can choose to see them as persistent and tenacious. Then loving them becomes easier. Remember love is an action not a feeling. We choose to love through our words, our actions, our gifts and how we spend our time. If they are disorganized, you can choose to see that they are spontaneous or flexible or creative. "You'll do you best by filling your minds and meditating on noble things - the best and not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise and not to curse." People will usually live up to the image you hold of them.
Celebrate them. We often try to impose our desired image of them. We resent them and insist they change, and do things to our required standard. But we do not need another being just like us. We already have ourselves. We need a partner, a second half. They will not be the same.The little things are irrelevant, yet we often make them into huge issues for no good reason. My ex-wife used to have a make-up bag that she put in the cabinet under the bathroom sink every morning when she got ready for her day. It was rather large and invariably, she would place it so that it did not go all the way in the cabinet and the door did not close all the way. Seeing the open door bothered me and I pointed it out to her. Some days she remembered to make sure the door closed but more often she did not. I had a choice, I could continue to complain and argue about how she could be so messy (in general she was not) and be unhappy and create strife. Or I could open the door, move the bag and close the door. This was not a problem, but people make problems out of little things that are really meaningless. A problem is losing a job or the death of a baby or someone in the family getting cancer. Let's focus more on the positive and forget about all these irrelevant little issues that somehow manage to break relationships and marriages. Focus on the positive and not the negative.
We almost must forgive them. None of this does any good if we are harboring resentment in our hearts. We are all different. And in relationships such as we are all pursuing or wanting to pursue, we are even MORE different. She thinks she's detailed; he thinks she nit-picking. He thinks he's laid back; she thinks he's lazy. Do not give resentment and dissatisfaction a place in you relationship or marriage. Grace and mercy allow you to see beyond their upsetting ways and see them in a new light.
Good luck to everyone reading this, may you find your special person and love them forever.
Самое страшное заблуждение у женщин: «Он изменится». Самое частое заблуждение у мужчин: «Она никуда не денется»
А вообще согласна с вами.что не стоит обращать внимания на мелочи..но из мелочей состоит жизнь.поэтому нужно уметь договариваться,идти на компромисс и уступать партнёру,и даже если ваша бывшая подруга возмутилась по поводу старой стиральной машины,думаю и это не проблема...можно был сделать ей приятное и купить новую,к тому же это не очень то и дорого,да и это нужная покупка...))
Yes, life is about compromise, but some things are necessary to discuss and some are simply not important.
And I think maybe I was not clear about the washing machine and clothes dryer. The problem in her mind was that they were not a combination machine, which she was used to having in Ukraine and not separate machines. It is very uncommon to find a combination machine in the US that both washes and dries and it is most definitely less efficient.
But my point was about the perception of what was a good machine. I could have bought top of the line new machines and she still originally thought that the combination machine was better.
Stephen, you still have unpleasant memories of a bad experience. I have a few questions for you: what do you expect from your woman? What should be your woman? what rules you have prepared for her in his house? What can you give, as husband, as a homeowner, as a lover? (If you boldly answer the questions of all: it will be easier to determine. Stephen, are you ready to sacrifice in marriage? Or Stephen thinks so: I'm a handsome man and think about marriage when I would be .... I'll think about getting married after 10 years!) Thank you. Best regards.
Все мы будем высказывать разные мнения. Это зависит от возраста и от воспитания.Для Ларисы важно какая машина стиральная. А я увидела из вашего письма,что жена у вас была неряшливая ,раскидывала вещи. Вы говорите,что это не важно и вы можете убрать,но вы пишите об этом и это вас волнует. Женщине не понять почему мужчина выбрал именно эту. Если вы выбираете красивую и молодую,которая на 20 лет моложе,то уюта в доме вы не дождетесь. У нее будут только требования и ничего вы изменить не сможете. Хотите любви к себе,меняйте требования. Ищите спокойную и уравновешенную. Я думаю,что в 43 года вы знаете,что вам нужно. Один момент важный. Чем дольше вы на сайте,тем меньше вы захотите жениться.Виртуальные отношения вы замените на реальные . Так происходит здесь с мужчинами. Они не хотят реальных встреч.
Jeff
Steven,, you should know what women are like by now.. if it wasnt the Washer that was the problem,, it would be something else.. that is how women are.. what they believe is right.. is all that matters.. we look in Russia/Ukraine for what we think is a woman who is better suited to us than our own country,, but they come with a different set of issues.. at the end of the day.. they are just women..us men just have to deal with it.. or not bother with them at all... i think you know this anyway.. just a comment .. Cheers Jeff
Inessa
Hello, Steven! I partly agree with your message. But I think that not misunderstandings in particular must definitely lead to conflicts, heartache, hurt and pain. It depends on many factors and the main one is the level of patience of both characters in their perception of trifles of their life. The risks are growing and more evident if the persons are from different cultures, of course.
I'd like to illustrate some hardships of adaptation period of one of my friends who married an Englishman. She is 53 years old now and has been living in the UK for about 3 years.
First, the climate. Chilly summer + mild winter = everlasting cold. People are dressed in warm clothes all the time. In winter the heating system works only during the daytime ( the temperature inside is usually 18 C). Well, when she asked her husband 'Can we switch on the heating at night because I'm cold?', he answered 'No, it's not economical, and it is the tradition - nobody here uses the heating system at night'. After warm and sunny Ukraine her physical body tried to get accustomed to new conditions that resulted in the big problems with her joints. Now she needs at least one summer month to stay in Ukraine to lie in the sun. My question is - Is it possible to change the tradition in one particular home?
Second, his pets. He's a big dog lover. He's got six dogs (!). They don't have special place in the house - they are everywhere. What is she doing the whole day? Cleaning the floor because the dogs walk outside in any weather and then inside the house. In Ukraine she didn't keep pets at home, she kept her flat sparkly clean. When she asked her husband 'Can we keep dogs in a special place somewhere in the yard?', he answered 'No, it's not good to keep dogs in the cage. If you're tired of cleaning the floor, it is not necessary to clean it every day.' (!) Well, she continue cleaning the floor several times a day. My question is - Is it possible to enjoy one or at least two dogs in the house?
Third, the house itself is very old, about 300 y.o. So, the taps for cold and hot water in the bathroom are separate. It is awfully inconvenient. In all European countries the taps are joined into a bath mixer. When she asked her husband to instal a bath mixer, he said 'It is not economical and the separate taps is not a problem at all.' My question is - Is it possible to change things in the house just to provide more physical comfort for other person?
Well, it is very difficult and even impossible to change other person's habits. But it is possible to change trifle things, that can spoil the life of other person, under one condition - if there's a desire to change them.
It is not misunderstanding, which can lead to conflicts, but indifference, selfishness and unwillingness to find a compromise.
Jeff, this comes across as rather negative and jaded. But it pretty much proves the point of my post. We get what we expect.
Hello Nadezhda,
Yes, we all have different opinions. That is what makes us human. Our experiences and our personalities affect our judgement as well as our mood. As I tried to say in my original post, the problem was the misunderstanding of the relative effectiveness of the washing machine. It was not the washing machine itself. Look at it as a sort of metaphor for the misunderstandings that occur based upon our experiences and opinions. I was using it as a point to show that what we think is right is often incorrect. And we must be willing to open our eyes more and learn.
Also perhaps the translation is incorrect because my ex-wife, a Belorussian girl from Minsk, was generally not sloppy and messy. The house was always clean. Her sloppy idiosyncrasies were generally limited to that cosmetic bag and leaving cups from her tea in the living room or bedroom occasionally. I write about it not because it excites me, but to use the example that even though this was a subject that I personally found irritating, I could choose to continue to let it irritate me or I could choose to simply deal with it, address it and not let it bother me. I could have continued to move her bag and close the door every day for the rest of my life because it was not important to her, it was important enough to me to do it, but it (and this is the important part part) was not important enough to cause a problem in the marriage. I repeat, it was ultimately irrelevant to our relationship. I have heard stories about people who get divorced because one person left their socks on the floor at night or one did not put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. This is ridiculous.
My ex-wife was 11 years younger than myself. She kept a good house. There was no problem with the age difference, although I would say at times eventually she seemed older than me and once we grew apart more, I found her becoming boring. This post was not about me, I know what I want in life. I know what sort of woman fits me and my personality. I think I have a little insight into the multi-cultural marriage having been married for 10 years and gone through all steps of the process. Granted it was ultimately not a successful marriage, but it was for a time. As for me, the longer I am on this site, the less I want to be on this site. I say that not because it is a bad site, but because i do not want a virtual relationship. I have had two long-term relationships with FSU girls and I am not looking for virtual. I am looking for my wife. Maybe the problem with the men you mention is that they were never really serious in the first place. Meeting, courting, having a relationship with and ultimately marrying any foreigner requires a serious commitment of time, money, patience, understanding and love. I think the problem you refer to is that the men do not begin with the right intentions or else soon leanr what is required of them and decide it is not worth the effort. But that is a different subject for a different topic 9of which i also have very strong opinions).
Hello Tatiana,
I am a bit puzzled by your response, to be honest. I honestly do not see where your line of questioning is going or the reason behind it, but I can say that I was married previously. I was married for a little over 10 years to a girl from Minsk. I have already sacrificed and know the sacrifices required to love a girl from the FSU. Our relationship began before there were sites such as this, before inexpensive internet and inexpensive international telephone calls. I took an extra job just to be able to speak with her on the telephone as the calls were averaging about $700 a month at the time.
I have been in a marriage that was partially successful at first, and though it ultimately failed, we had 7 or 8 years of a reasonably good marriage. I learned a lot from that time and know I will be a better husband in the future because of it.
I know quite well what sort of woman Ii am looking for. My profile begins to detail this. And what do I expect from my woman? I expect her first to love me, not as a feeling, but through her actions. I want her to respect me. To stand by my side and to know that I can rely on her emotional support through good times and bad. I expect her to rely on me to do the same for her and to know that even if I disagree with her that we are one unit and we make decisions together. I expect her to compromise and i will compromise. And I expect her to be as committed to the relationship as I am. What can I give? Unconditional care and support. Respect. Love. I can promise my woman that even when she makes a mistake and I do not agree with it, that I will stand by her side as needed and in front of her as her shield as needed.
I do not consider myself a handsome man and I do not believe in superficial relationships. I have never dated a girl just to date someone. It has always been with the purpose to see if they are compatible for potential marriage.
Hello Inessa,
I see your point and I understand that there is a difference between the trifles and yes it is always a complicated situation dependent upon the two people involved. I think that of the issues can be resolved if the people spend some time living together before deciding to get married. With my ex-girlfriend, I visited her once and she visited me once and then she came to live for 2 months. The visits are like vacations and helpful for the relationship but not to see if people can live together.
And there must be communication to learn what is important to the other person truly and what is simple a trifle and an irritant. It sounds like your friend's Englishman was a bit selfish in not realizing the concerns she had, or perhaps she was not able or willing to explain how important these issues were to her. I can use some examples from my own experience. For one, women tend to be affected by temperature changes more than men. They seem to be hotter when it is hot and colder when it is cold.
I am familiar with the climate in England. This is a tough climate for one not accustomed to it certainly and to me, my woman's comfort is important. In my previous marriage, we compromised in that I installed a programmable thermostat, so she could make it hotter in winter or colder in summer (and living in Las Vegas, we have the opposite problem in general where it is quite hot at night in the upstairs part of the house). But it would revert the temperature back to "normal" in the middle of the night. This was a compromise we developed so that she was comfortable but was also a bit more economical.
As for the dogs, that is a bit of a different situation. I also do not think the dogs should be outside (in Las Vegas, they cannot, they would die). And the dogs can be restricted from some rooms, such as our bedroom, but I do not have a problem with the dogs laying on the couch for instance. The compromise is to buy leather couches that are durable and easier to clean. Of course bulldogs are not very dirty and they do not bring in dirt and mud because we have little rain. This is to me a question of lifestyle and I imagine it is difficult to have dogs when you are not used to them. It is a part of the family and I certainly would not marry someone who did not like to have the dogs around. Perhaps they should share the chore of cleaning the floors. I try to make certain to clean up after the dogs if they return from the walk in the rain and am happy to vacuum the carpets as well.
And yes, houses in England can be quite old. I think this is possible in smaller cities in other countries as well and they do require modernization. This third issue I feel is a matter of being cheap. It is more efficient, so the cost would be made up for in time anyway. Of course, the physical comfort is important for the other person. There must be a level of compromise and this is where it is important to operate as a team and a single unit. The man must think about the woman's needs and concerns and put them first, while the woman must think about the man's need and concerns and put them first.
I think that misunderstandings cause as many conflicts as indifference, but at least misunderstandings can be fixed. Indifference and selfishness means you married the wrong person, in my opinion. Compromise is a necessary part of marriage.
Boris
Hi Inessa. Concerning your friend who married that Englishman, a few things got wrong. Surely, she could not know the climate and house-heating issues before she moved there. So in that case, the guy is not a gentleman (what we tend to see in Britons). BUT, she must have known that he had 6 dogs (!) before she married him. I would never-ever get in a close relationship with a woman who can't live without dogs, cats etc. I just don't want free running animals in the apartment/house where I live. So, that could have been a clear red-flag for her. I mean 6 dogs aren't one... And for the water taps, that is ridiculous (my opinion), just like that washer story from Steven. I can't understand, that people make enormous efforts to come together, visas, money issues, language barriers, cultural shocks, and in the end it comes up to a water-tap???
Inessa
Dear Steven, thanks for your comment, you understand my message. As I see, more and more men on the site would prefer living together with a potential wife in the man's house for some time just to see if they match each other or not. You had such an opportunity for 2 months in the past and it turned out insufficient to know your future wife in a proper way. As for me, I can't imagine (and not only me) such experiment in my life because there's one but strong reason - I have a job and I can't afford to go and live with a person for 2 months or longer as my summer vacation (the longest one) lasts 57 days. So, It's the main disadvantage of internet dating. Why not to search someone in a local surrounding?
Инесса, если бы Ваша подруга читала побольше английских романов, она бы знала заранее, что англичане спят в холодных спальнях, умываются в раковине, наполненной водой, а вода течёт из двух кранов. Ну, а климат - чего стоит одно только крылатое выражение "Туманный Альбион" Конечно, 6 собак - це уже занадто))) Хотя и они в романах бегают по "замкам"... А кроме шуток, к компромиссам в браке должны быть готовы и мужчина, и женщина - совместная жизнь это ежедневный, кропотливый и весьма нелёгкий труд. Зато плоды его так сладки!
Inessa
Thanks, Boris, for your comment. The story of my friend (married the Englishman) proves that both people should be open and sincere from the beginning of their relationships. As for the climate in the UK, she knew that it is wet and often cold even in summer but she couldn't imagine that people turn off the heating at night during the winter period. As for the pets. When she started communicating with her future husband on the internet, she knew that he had 2 Labrador dogs. When she came to England, they were already 4, one of them brought 3 puppies, one died. Well, how many are they? Six. My friend is nursing and caring about them. It's too stressful for her because she had never had dogs in her own appartment before. As for the water taps. She couldn't imagine that in most houses in small British towns the bath taps are separate. But her future husband couldn't imagine either that in Ukraine we don't plug the wash-basin in order to clean teeth. The water is running and 'it is not economical'. Cultural shock? Well, she is a very patient woman. They have been living together for 3 years but the taps are still separate...
Inessa
Инна, подруга моя, конечно, романы читала. Более того, ее дочь живет в Англии давно. Муж дочери поляк, в прошлом году они купили дом в пригороде Лондона. Первое, что он сделал - поставил смеситель в ванну. В чем здесь проблема? Просто человек не хочет менять традиции. Зачем менять? Так же было всегда?
Hello Inessa,
Living together first is a great opportunity to lear abou the other and a last chance to know if you belong together. My ex-girlfriend quit her job to come and we thought we were going to be married. So it was not a casual choice. Only made as the last step before the marriage. Sadly it did not work out. To me it was quite unexpectedly and I thought that her quitting the job would have made her more committed, but her reasons to end the relationship seemed trivial.
A long distance relationship is difficult and it requires sacrifices on both sides. I do not like the term internet dating, because it implies a virtual relationship only and not a real one. The internet can be a tool for a relationship, but it does not replace the relationship.
For many people searching for someone in the local surrounding is their best option. For me, I am looking for a particular kind of woman and she is not American.
Yes compromise, understanding and concern are necessary in marriage. Lack of these is what starts the cracks in the relationship.
Надежда)))) я там писала вообще то о компромиссах и умении договариваться и находить общий язык,и не нужно заострять внимания на мелочах...вот о чём я написала...
Очень хороший пример. К компромиссу в этом случае прийти невозможно. Надо договариваться раньше и смотреть условия жизни мужчины. Вы только подтвердили этим примером мое убеждение,что надо ехать к мужчине и внимательно изучать условия его жизни,чтобы не получит такую ситуацию
модераторы почему то сокращают текст написанного,тем самым убирая основную идею того что я хотела донести..надеюсь на этот раз,ничего не сократят...
Надежда,давайте я сама за себя буду писать что мне важно,а что не важно,а то вы выдернули строку из текста,передёрнув тем самым весь смысл ...я там писала вообще то о компромиссах и умении договариваться и находить общий язык,и не нужно заострять внимания на мелочах...вот о чём я написала уважаемая Надежда,а вы почему то спешите со своими выводами резюме по поводу меня и того что для меня важно,как будто Вас кто то наделял такими полномочиями...прошу Вас впредь был более корректной по отношению к чьим то высказываниям и уважать чужое мнение и не передёргивать сказанное.
Elena
Вы очень мудрая женщина!Хорошего Вам настроения и встретить желаемого человека!
Лариса, суть Ваших комментариев была правильной, но подача была в том виде, который провоцирует диалог на дальнейший бесконечный конфликт. Именно по этой причине комментарии были урезаны.
Пробуйте выражать свои мысли так, чтобы собеседник понял Вашу позицию, но при этом не испытывал желания написать колкость в ответ.
с ув. менеджер Марина
Inessa
Надежда, я согласна с Вами, что женщина должна поехать к мужчине посмотреть на самого мужчину, его отношение к женщине и на его привычки, возможно будут уж слишком раздражающие. Но вот на какой срок? Кому-то видимо достаточно 10 дней, а кому-то недостаточно и 2-х месяцев. У меня немного другой вопрос - прожив несколько лет вместе, может просто закончиться терпение у кого-то одного, например, у женщины. Она уходит от мужчины, а мужчина говорит, что его женщина использовала в своих целях, например, чтобы получить гражданство другой страны или еще что-нибудь. Иногда истории западных мужчин, пострадавших от "обмана" женщины из бывшего СССР, выглядят идентично, но кто же там виноват, неужели всегда женщина???
Я уже вам писала,но вы не прочли
Я не даю вам высказаться? Вы напечатали,я ответила. А что мне нужно или не нужно писать- не в вашей компетенции...
Это как проблемы отцов и детей,у палки два конца,две стороны медали и две "правды" у мужчины и женщины. Да,он будет думать так,а она по-другому...нет решения. Есть право не влазить в ЭТО. Когда-то моего сына(как многих) перед армией положили в психушку(отдельный бокс для призывников). Сидит "божий одуванчик" затертого года рождения и спрашивает пацанов(их 5 человек) вы Камо знаете?Они растерялись и на меня уставились (как в школе-подскажи было во взгляде) . А я разозлилась и говорю ему- А вы Брюса Ли знаете? Он- А кто это? Я-так они тоже не знают Камо. Старец поведал юношам,что только ему удавалось обмануть немецких психиаторов и быть не тем,кто он есть. Я тогда посмеялась,а сейчас сыну всегда говорю- вспоминай "Камо"( старичка мы так прозвали) и всегда помни,что человек не может длительно ,24 часа скрывать свою сущность. Быть внимательным и за неделю проживания все узнаешь,если нет,то вся ответственность на самой..Мужчину с собаками я точно не приняла бы сразу
о кей...пишите что хотите,но мне лично не вешайте ваших ярлыков и умозаключений..Я В НИХ НЕ НУЖДАЮСЬ..я сама в состоянии за себя ответить от себя и за себя,если вы меня так и не поняли,то вынуждена повториться!
Olga
Ларочка, не кипятись.. Уж раз мы не хотим быть простыми и наивными, то носить не сносить нам ярлык меркантильные.
Inessa
Лариса, не обижайтесь, мы вас слышим и понимаем Вашу точку зрения, что "не стоит обращать внимания на мелочи..но из мелочей состоит жизнь. поэтому нужно уметь договариваться, идти на компромисс и уступать партнёру". Это сильно сказано! Но к сожалению или к счастью, люди склонны больше договариваться по глобальным проблемам, а разойтись могут из-за одной мелочи. А уж если тут еще и разница культур и менталитета, то нужно иметь стальные нервы и железное терпение. Правильно написал Борис, что люди прилагают большие усилия, чтобы договориться о визах, финансах, преодолевают языковой барьер и культурный шок, но в итоге не могут справиться с такой мелочью, как краны для воды. Вывод - как раз СТОИТ обращать внимания на мелочи, чтобы какая-нибудь из них не отравила жизнь, например как у Стивена грязные чашки от чая по всему дому.
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