Men & women
Andy
Would ypu REALLY move and leave your old life behind?
Hello friends,
For a few months I have been back online after a break and something struck me a couple of days ago that I think deserves discussion. For the purpose of the discussion let's say that a man meets a good woman and all is well and good in La La land. She has a good career and a life and family..and has every life attachment a person could have. She signs up on this site and really has a positive outlook about finding her life partner. She does find him...and they are happy in La La land until the topic of a REAL LOVE come up. LEAVING her dog in quarantine for up to 2 months, and leaving behind her office work and job are now VERY real issues! Her family will not be able to come right away and neither will she be able to go home. She will be waiting for a travel permit or her green card to come so travel is impossible.
What if she owns a flat or a car and now all of those things will be left behind except her clothes and maybe a laptop and of course her make-up.
All of the glamour of this website and the joyous rituals of getting new letters or new Skype contacts goes away and now the ''man of your dreams" has arrived and is waiting to marry you in his country..the USA maybe. Its all real now...you must leave your career behind and go to the USA with no real direction except marriage. In my experience with women from the former Soviet states they are very smart and beautiful and strong willed. They want to work and contribute...they want to have their own money and their own world(inside your world of course). They will see this change as losing some of their identity m. They may unwillingly let this tension have an effect on your relationship and soon all of these bright dreams and big life goals hit a speed bump in the road....IT'S CALLED REALITY and I hope if you read this then you are ready and prepared for these huge changes. You can comment on my opinions and please let me know of your experiences.
Thx for reading this and best wishes on your search for a soul mate!
Anita
Я буду отвечать только за себя)) оставлять всё позади- сложно, не спорю. первые месяцы не так заметно - эйфория от чувств. новизны, секса, наконец. Потом всё успокаивается и вот тут подстерегает так называемая непонятная самой себе ностальгия. Вообще вживание в новую среду, адаптация- длится в среднем около года: это и перепады настроения и слёзы не о чём( у всех по разному) и обострение болячек. тут многое зависит от мужчины: сможет ли он одеть её шкурку на себя, хватит ли у него терпения перетерпеть не предъявляя претензий??поддержать?? некоторым не хватает терпения и в ответ на слёзы можно услышать: тебе не нравиться здесь? ты меня не любишь?. Да люблю.. просто организм в стресе даёт сбой)) ещё зависит от женщины- от её настроя. если она едет всё взвесив и без розовых очков, то , естественно, она будет адаптироваться быстрее. Вот я, например, работу уже не найду, да и искать её не буду, но.. смогу реализовать себя в своих хобби и буду рассматривать зарабатывание денег исходя из этого. Или допустим ведение домашнего хозяйства - это ведь тоже вклад в отношения - это ведь тоже работа?? Ели мой мужчина будет это чётко понимать и не считать, что я на его шее, то всё будет хорошо)). ну и чувства никто не отменял)))
Would be nice to know what men thinks about it , how much they could really imagine what and how a woman feels, how much its hard for her, how much they are ready to sympath and support... throuth my expirience i have met only men who dont pay it much attention. just like it is to move to next door flat...
Nadya
I have moved, me and my husband feel brilliant. Together we explore the most interesting and beautiful places of the USA. So far only around Philadelphia, but there are soooo many to explore. I love It. So I do not want to travel abroad first years. Because for me here is "abroad" and finally I have enough time to explore everything here.
I am thinking about education programs, I have degree already, but I have to prove it and most likely get many extra subjects and studying hours .. Apartment/flat (if it is in a big cities) - is really good. For example flat in SPb = used to be a house in USA, or condo now =)))). Or small business for her.
Car. There are sooo many cheap cars here (USA) that you can change It , I think, without problems. I mean sell there and buy down here. Career. it would not be the same, I think, but it is a good challenge, something really motivating. I am wondering how far I would be able to go?
Оставлять свою страну, привычный образ жизни, родных и работу очень не просто. При переезде в другую страну начинается новая жизнь. И дело тут не в квартире и машине. Это все можно продать, или оставить родным если нужно и купить потом в новом городе. Женщина переезжает и теперь ее дальнейшая жизнь зависит от поведения этого мужчины - не только семейная жизнь но и быстрота адаптации. Тут важно проявить понимание и готовность помогать и поддерживать. А сильная... часто женщины не хотят быть сильными, они просто привыкли такими быть. Жизнь заставляет нас быть сильными, самодостаточными и делать карьеру
Andy
Thx for your reply. I posted this statement because I know it would be very hard at first for the bride to adjust.
Of course during what I call "the sparkle period" all things will seem magical and shiny but when that begins to wear off then the real challenges begin. I have Some experience in this but not in the traditional sense that I speak about on this site.
It takes an understanding man to help his bride work through these things. You ladies are so strong that I believe saying a person can adjust is one thing but actually doing it is a hard proposition. By nature all of you are independent and have had to be....a good character trait no doubt so I hope this discussion will shed some light on this seemingly quick transition. Thx
If you truly love your woman, be sensitive to the changes she will face and plan for her. Try to place yourself in her position and imagine what she will be feeling, and then plan to make these changes and transitions as easy as possible.
Okay, time to spill the beans. I found someone; she is wonderful, simple, beautiful, smart and funny. I visited her in St. Petersburg and had a fabulous time. We have decided to stay together and she will be visiting here soon. She has a great dog she really loves, she is leaving behind a great career and beautiful home, she doesn't speak my language very well. She has never been to the US and God forbid if she has to go to Walmart by herself! (Walmart is like a zoo with no bars, where people go to shop!) I try to imagine how it would be for me.
Near the end of our time together, she was very honest with me; she said “Doug, I am afraid.” I said, “Of course you are afraid, but I have already been thinking of many things and will do everything to make this as easy as possible for you.” I said I realized some of her fears and was preparing for her. Women needs to be reassured that men are looking out for them. I do not intend for her to have to sit around some lonely house by herself and watch TV until I come home from work.
`When she arrives in the US, I have a somewhat empty house for her! I purposely did not buy furniture, new dishes, eating utensils, pots and pans before she gets here. These are things we can go shopping for together. Nothing gets a woman’s mind off a rough situation like shopping! Besides, she should be able to buy her own things, what she wishes, and set up her new kitchen. She should have a choice in the furniture she likes, how she wants to set up HER house (That's right, you men, it is her house now!) and bedroom. She should be able to make it her home and comfortable; not have to live with some ugly furnishings you picked out for your silly man cave. Plan to have a generous budget so she can make your living space into a real home for the two of you.
When she arrives, there will be a support group for her. My mother's home is 4 miles away; she can go there during the day if she is lonely and have someone to talk to, when I am working. There is a garden there and she loves to garden and plant flowers. If she needs something, she can call. Maybe she does not go there every day, but she has a familiar place where she knows someone.
Sometimes, it is good for a younger woman to have an older lady to talk with. My family will accept and love her and my mother will treat her like her own daughter. She will drive her where she needs to go, until she gets her own driver's license. My family will be available to help when I am not there; she will become part of my family and they will give her any assistance she needs. Also, if anything would ever happen to me, she would be integrated into a loving, generous family that would surround her with love and care for her.
Plan for her to have her own cell phone. She will eventually need a car. Plan for her to get help with English, even if it is only a friend who can help. Introduce her to your friends and make her a part of your social circles. Take her to church; church people make a great support group; they are always willing to help. Make arrangements for her to have emergency numbers.
Then remember why she came to your country; to be with you. Dedicate a certain amount of time every day to her, to spend with her, watching TV, going to a movie, or just taking a romantic walk. No more running with the boys and going to the bars. Take her dancing, to concerts…she will probably be much more cultured than you. (We walked past some musicians in St. Petersburg, and she casually remarked, “Vivaldi; Four Seasons!” I shot back, “Yes, but which movement!?) Take weekend trips together.
Most of all, treat her like a queen, love her and cherish her. Everything you do for her is nothing compared to what she has given up to be with you. You must purposely do things, every single day, to build your relationship with her. (There is a book, “Men are from Mars; Women are From Venus! Get it and read it!) Also, remember she is a woman and even God does not understand everything about them, and He created them. Have tons of patience, understanding and long-suffering…. She will respond and you both will be very happy. Dedicate yourself to making her happy and she will reciprocate. Love her and she will love you.
Как Вы замечательно все продумали и изложили! Вы продумали даже такие мелочи, которые некоторым мужчинам и в голову не приходят. Вы очень красивая и замечательная пара! Счастья Вам от души!
Thank you, Olga. Hopefully, many men will read this and understand what a great responsibility they have, if one of you fabulous and special ladies chose him!
Andy,
I am from the USA, and using my wife’s account. That said, I think you need to be a great deal more sensitive (at least the way I read your post). Think about what she is giving up coming to the USA and how amazingly brave that is and for you. Also, I would hope that by “no real direction except marriage” you mean that you are absolutely committed to your perspective wife and would do everything you could to see that she has opportunities here such as education, employment as well as emotional support and a great deal of TLC. Moreover, the perspective husband should keep in mind it isn’t an insignificant change for him either. As far as tension, the woman will of course be nervious as well as absolutely dependent upon you however, I think the tension is more often because the perspective husband didn’t consider that it is a change for him as well. I would also go as far as the man needs to adopt her country the same way she is adopting his which opens your minds to both cultures as well as mutual understanding. I personally have been to Russia half a dozen times and consider it a 2nd home and am happy I did. Furthermore, you should consider that your perspective wife may wish to maintain some professional as well as personal connections with her homeland such as a business or other work possibly. In short, happiness is only possible if both of you fully invest and support each other. I think it is particularly important for women to understand that simply being "married" doesn't equate to being happy which is what life is all about after all.
Elena
Of course, if the love is mutual and sincere that's excellent. I'm sure that the young woman, who knows Vivaldi, will be able to give cosy and charm to even dull bachelor house (especially the bedroom!). In addition, Walmart is an ordinary supermarket, such a full in Russia, including Kostroma. So she had nothing to afraid. We know that God is on control, therefore everything will be fine!
Andy
Well said. FIRST...HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER DOUG!! Awesome!!!
I agree totally with your comments. I have considered of I find the right partner here then I hope to maintain another residence in her home country. I have been overseas many times and I rather enjoy the decompression time. Its great to be away from Wal-Mart right DOUG?
I hope you prepare her for the language barrier and there are some sites I use now to teach someone I met that needs the help. Its strictly lessons only and our age is VERY DIFFERENT...but she asked for help and so I lend a hand. If you message me I will gladly give you the site information. Best of Luck Doug.
Andy
Hi
No..I also think it's important to give overseas shot. I have been a few times and if you read my comment to Doug you will see my opinions in this.
She knows that my current apartment is temporary, until we decide together where we should live. We are even considering the summer home in Maine. Elena, if you read above, you will understand why I have not bought new furniture.
The bedroom is for sleeping, nothing else. That is why I only need a small single bed. When you visited with our family last November, you knew this. Please do not allow your words to sound as though you know my boring apartment, and especially the bedroom, because you spent any time there. At my mother's house, we treated you as an honored guest and nothing else. You said it was the best vacation you ever had. That is all.
Elena
Looks like you saw in my words some hidden meaning, Doug! Relax, my friend, all right. Say Hello to your mommy, she's wonderful. And my vacation was great, thanks. By the way, I am free to express my opinion as all of us.
Andy
Hey Doug
Cheers for standing up and defending your families home and their kindness. Those comments seemed aimed directly at you and had you not explained...perhaps a person would have read into her message what she most likely intended...a "full" dagger in the back I don't know the situation you speak about but is it seems pretty(searching for a politically correct word now) unappreciative considering you and your family opened your home to another person. There are many ways to put someone down without saying it in a very direct way and it seems that those comments were meant to do that. No need to defend anything further Doug.
Another observation, because I have many Russian friends and I have been to that region of the world many times visiting Russia, the Ukraine, Armenia, and Georgia. Many families live together there. Many flats are not super big or super expensive. None the less they are home for someone and I have learned that No matter how different or plain or elaborate a persons home...i never comment either way about it. To them its HOME and HOME is a personal space. Rich or poor or right in he middle..home is still home.
`It is funny to me that anyone would comment about another persons home on a social website like this one. In my opinion(and it's only mine) it easba pretty RUDE comment. I wish you happy trails Doug. The fact that you are considering a summer home in Maine clearly means you can afford it...and that's alot more than most in Russia or the Ukaine could say. Real estate in the USA is expensive.
Andy
Its always nice to read another persons view. I am not speaking in anyway other than to open a discussion. I have experienced some of these difficulties myself and so putting it out there for discussion is a way to prepare others(and myself) for things maybe we haven't THOUGHT of. To say I am not open to the feelings of someone from another country is simply not true..or even close to true.
I live on an island with some 3000 work and travel participants come to make extra money all summer, every summer for the last 16 years. Here is where I met my many good friend's from Russia, the Ukraine, Moldova, Poland and Belarus. I am fortunate enough to call Siberia my second home and my best friends in the whole world... my brothers. Their parents call me son and my son calls them uncle and Pop Pop and Babushka. In the Ukraine I have visited east to west and north to south. Lviv is my favorite city there and
`Evpatoria my favorite beach spot. My son is half Russian and his name is a fully Russian name. I was married on Old Christmas January7 and my son gets to happily celebrate both holidays(so he gets double the gift) of our Christmas and theirs. I for many years had the pleasure and responsibility of sponsoring many J1 visa holders myself. I have seen the tragedy of one of them dying prematurely and never getting the chance to see his homeland again. And I personally put together a fund raiser for his family. I can imagine nothing worse than sending a young adult child overseas for work and summer fun only to get a body back in return. I also had the pleasure of being involved in the trial and conviction of the drunk driver that hit him and left him for dead....seeing justice done swiftly and ultimately! Many locals where I live did not want his family to think all Americans were like the man that left their son to due on the side of the road in a shallow ditch.
So while we all have opinions and have experiences, I do speak as a man that has experienced alot that the former Soviet states have to offer..good and bad. My neck was crushed in Kharkov Ukraine November of 2013. Still I love that region of the world. That injury could have happened in any part of the world..any city. I was commenting because I have met some people here that maybe enjoy the site or the " dating scene" but don't really seem serious about the process. That really just water's down the pool of people looking for a life partner versus some that just come here to pass the time. That is just my experience and also my humble opinion.
Thx..read and comment on!!
Здравствуйте, Doug! Как радостно читать мудрые мысли! Это очень сильный, мужественный и ответственный поступок. От всей души желаю любви Вашим сердцам, чтобы желания радовать и заботиться друг о друге становилось ещё сильнее! Пусть Ваша семья будет крепка и неразрушима👪🏡💞!
Elena
Irina
Елена, вы взрослая женщина. Не
ведите себя как обиженный и мстительный ребенок. Будьте выше этого...
Andy, she read my post and cried. She said she was touched that I would care enough. Everything I wrote were my true feelings. Finding her has made me more tender and careful; I am not cavalier about this; I try to be sensitive to her needs and feelings. When she hurts, I hurt. The love of a woman can change a man and make him a much better person. Suddenly I want to write music again; the sun shines brighter; the birds sing louder and only happy songs. These are feeling I have not experienced for a very long time, and I am not ashamed to admit them.
I posted for her, too, but all men need to consider these things before opening up a woman's heart. Women make themselves vulnerable to men when they open their hearts to love him. Men sometimes do not realize the great responsibility they have if they accept the love of a woman. I hope every man will understand a little better how to love his lady; her heart is precious.
`I tried not to be harsh, but this other post caused more pain than one could ever imagine. I wish people would think before they say insensitive things. You are all my friends and I appreciate your prayers for our future.
Thank you all very much.
Andy
Glad to see that you are the perfect judge of all things bachelor!!! I have quite a few Russian bachelor friends that have pretty modest apartments. If you asked a man If he would rather have a new bedroom set or a new couch and loveseat or travel to another country to meet a potential life partner 100% of the time he is gonna tell you that he really doesn't care too much about his bedroom decor anyways.
I guess my question is "who are you to judge this man and his family that opened their home to you?" And to say "hi to your Mom" really just seems like an attempt to disguise your dislike for Doug for some reason. It would be quite another thing if he offered you his bed but the way he tells it...that didn't happen.
Ride all around to discuss private things in an open forum...especially when you had a "nice vacation."
Andy
I am glad to hear that a woman said what i wanted to say! Nice of you to state the obvious Elena. I am curious though, did the shunned lady just stumble upon your post Doug or did she seek it out? Seems like maybe she looked for your post Doug and that's a little creepy if you ask me
Thx again Elena for the very real and open statement!
Andy
Hi Doug,
I was glad to read your post and I could hear the pride in your words for ALL to see. I was commenting on the member that visited your family. You and your family had only good intentions I am sure. I love music also...and I have to say...YOU KNOW THERE IS SOME SERIOUS LOVE WHEN YOU WANT TO WRITE MUSIC ABOUT IT! Happy for you both Doug and sorry of you thought I meant it was you..no..it was the member with some not so nice words.
Irina
Hello Andy...
Переезд-это решительный шаг даже в своей стране. Я это сделала 13 лет назад и хочу сказать, что очень тяжело психологически быть не рядом со своими родственниками, друзьями. Женщина будет как сирота и самым близким и родным человеком окажетесь вы. И поэтому мужчина должен четко понимать какая на нем лежит ответственность за женщину, но и женщина должна понимать, что этот шаг она выбирает сознательно и поэтому эта ноша ложиться на плечи обоих. Для этого нужно быть зрелыми людьми. И именно в таких случаях и проявляется эта зрелость...
Andy, thank you very much for your kind words. You were correct on everything. I am glad to have made so many good friends here on this site. Now that we have found each other, we will be leaving the site before too long, but I promise you an update and pictures. I will always remember the great times we have had together, chatting and interacting while we looked for our future partner. The owners have made the process fun and easy. I have gotten some of my friends to join here and they love it. The owners have done a great job and made a wonderful and safe place for lonely people to meet each other, under the best conditions. This site wins the prize. Sometimes it takes a while to discover the right person, but lonely people are not usually lonely for very long. The best to you, my friend, Andy. Your day is also coming.
Andy
Thx Doug. I wish you all of the happiness in the world. Its funny how things happen here. Unlike many other sites there are open forums for all to see and discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly. Beaver Fall's is not so lonely anymore it sounds like! Kudos on the sparsely decorated mancave. I live very much the same way with the exception of my sons room. Why have an expensive bedroom suit that is never used. You did the right thing by traveling to Russia to find your partner. Lets hope we don't hear anymore from the " peanut gallery!.
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