Men & women
Rick
Lost
Hello, I have been reading posts here for a few months and enjoy them all. I have decided to write and ask a question because there seems to be honesty and experience on this forum. I will ask first to forgive me if my actions have been ignorant in my search. I began a year ago in October. I am now 54, Caucasian, live in United States ( citizen ) and searched for a Slavic woman. My reason is because I have lost faith in American woman, I find it difficult to respect woman who is 200 lbs over weight , self centered and goes shopping in bed clothes. I realize not all are like this, but I see none like this in Eastern Europe. I also understand Slavic woman are very family oriented people besides being beautiful and smart.
I will make my story as short as possible but wish to give as much information so you can make an educated comment.
The woman is from Russia, in the east. She approached me on the dating site, I was very excited and the communication began swiftly. We communicated in email for about 5 weeks until she demanded a video chat. I was new to this, did not even know how to video chat. After a few tries it was successful video chat. We did video several times before the meeting. I told her within a few weeks of writing I would come in the spring, she responded that I could come sooner. I began to make plans, we discussed where and when. The meet took place in a major city in Russia in February instead of springtime. I struggled a little to come up with the money in advance because I did not want to go into debt for the trip. I paid for everything. She wanted me to send money so she could plan and purchase her own tickets. I took a chance and sent money. She needed personal things for the trip and needed money, I sent more money. One item she purchased was a suit case for $300.00 U.S. I thought this was a bit expensive to do with another persons money but I said nothing. I purchased a suitcase for $90.00. In total I sent $900.00 U.S. to her. We both flew into the city within an hour of each other and took a taxi to the hotel together. I purchased two rooms at a hotel in advance for 20 days. I also prepaid for opera and other various show tickets.
Now all was good. We got along great, we fell in love weeks before the trip even began. We ate at nice restaurants, traveled the city, went to shows and churches. I will say this was the best time of my life. The only things that concerned me during the trip are this.
1) the whole time we were together, even in the taxi from the airport she would not put her phone away. Constant messages and interruptions. I felt this was rude for as much effort I put into the meeting. I asked about this and her response was that there are people that do not know she is away from home. That people in Russia get jealous and cause problems. So she must stay in contact with them. By the end of the trip I know three of the four contacts that she stayed in touch with. A sister, a daughter and a friend ( woman ) in the united states. The fourth I never figured out or got to see.
2) During our stay at the hotel she would mention that she was getting sick, a cold. But this never stopped her from walking the city all day and night, shopping and sight seeing.
3) My money for the trip came from different sources and was deposited over time during our stay. Some days I would have several hundred dollars, as that got spent and I had to wait for the next deposit, money got a little tight. This became a big issue for her, even minor arguments and tears, but nothing real bad. Shopping got out of hand, we had to buy gifts for every person she and I knew, and I was watched very closely. Later I found out that this is done to look for expressions of greed? True or not? It felt like it. This type of shopping was not in my plans and I went a few thousand dollars over budget for the trip. The last day we were there I had a relative deposit $150.00 in my account so I would have money for my trip home. I told her I was going to the bank to exchange $50.00 for us to eat and have taxi fare. She demanded I exchange all of it. I ended up going home with $20.00 and very hungry.
3) On the day before we were to leave she began to cry and beg we stay for another week, I was able to stay till mid week, on a Wednesday. The morning we were getting ready to depart she mentioned she did not feel good and wanted to stay till the week end. I said no, we arrive together and we leave together. The ride to the airport was silent for the most part.
She did not seem or act very sick, so I assumed all was O.K. She did not demand to stay a few more days, she was O.K. we go together.
4) her flight left first for another big city, I departed 30 minutes later. My flights were very close so we could not stay in contact while traveling. Not until I got back to my house did I find out she stayed in another big city. She had claims of heart attack on landing and medical doctors at the airport denied her the ability to fly for two weeks. She said she had a friend who's parents had a house not far away and will stay with them. The following weekend ( three days later ) I found out she moved to her friends apartment, the only reason I found out is because the photos she sent me were a different flat. When I asked, She said the house was to cold so her friend let her stay at vacant apartment. In total she stayed for three weeks with claims of pneumonia. Half way into this stay are relation became strained over my doubts of honesty and over one night I tried to contact her. Every time I contacted her she responded with in a reasonable amount of time. This time she did not respond, to text, phone call disabled and video call disabled. Three hours later she said she was on phone with sister and did not get alarms of incoming calls.
5) After three weeks, she returns home and two weeks later says she is in hospital. She would never send a photo of herself in hospital but one or two very close photo in bed and one in bathroom, of her swollen hands from I.V. the one in bathroom was in her own bathroom. I know from other photos and this is true. She also said that the doctors let her out of hospital for Easter Sunday.
6) She stops video chat, since April we have done video chat maybe 12 times. I ask every week if we can, but it does not happen much. I am now at the point that I will not do it. If you take something away from me to punish me, I will remove it permanently. She also has stopped talking with me for days on end when I make her angry. I am not perfect. I do have a tendency to piss people off. I have also made accusations out of confusion, miscommunication and not understanding.
7) I have faithfully sent gifts, flowers, money every month since our meet.As far as this goes I am a nice a guy, I do not care about the money too much, or the gifts, I love her and care about her. ( Am I a fool? )
in the past two months she dissipated for one week twice.One time was in the middle of a messenger chat. Two days later she sent a message saying she had a medical emergency and went to hospital in ambulance and would talk later. the following week end communication returned to normal. the other time she said I angered her and did not wish to communicate, this also was for about a week.
9) the whole time since our meet I have begged her to share her every day life with me, only to be told she is too busy most times. I offered to spend the summer in her city so we can build our relationship only to be denied and argue why I should not.
10) I recently sent $500.00 for a computer I promised her money for. ( I know, But I do not lie and do what I say I will do )I sent this money a month ago, it was in part so we can do Skype together. To this day she says she has no time to shop for it. She also now says that when she got sick on the flight last March it caused problems with her legs. First time I ever hear of this problem. She says she can not walk in the city to all the many stores and look at computers, it will have to wait. I have caused more problems by asking when will you get it. Now I do not even ask.
11) When we left our first meeting we were engaged to be married, I gave a ring I made myself as I am a jeweler. We talked about K-1 visa and agreed to to do this. Ever since April I have had many arguments over getting her to send the information needed to complete K-1 visa. Now I plan a trip to her city in October. To meet face to face. I have questions and need answers. We also agreed to work on K-1 and finish it. She denies me to stay at her apartment due to have to many dogs and no room for me. Even said she will not cook me a meal at her home and I can not go there because she does not want to hurt her reputation.
I will say that this experience has caused me much doubt. I have not been the perfect man. I do not understand all this because I do love her and I am faithful. I honor my word and always do as I say. Maybe I am a fool, maybe I act like child, maybe I think this is fantasy.
Now I will say that this experience has caused me doubt, I have accused her of things, I have been rude in words, not by intention but by translations. There is much to the story not told. Over 1000 emails, hundreds of messenger chats, a few hundred photos between each of us. There are times when things go well and communication is O.K.
I highlighted my concerns and will be happy to answer any questions you may have. Please respond.
Rick
Thank you, Yes I realize the scope of the situation. That is why I posted the story. I am to close to see the or feel the truth.
Sofia
Rick
Hi, thank you for your time. yes you are right about S.P.B., her choice. Moscow for her going home. As far as me being a jeweler, I have a college degree but do not do it as profession, no luck here. Galleries take 50%, cant produce and make money at that rate. I make a piece that sells for $600.00 , gallery takes 50%. price must go up to $800 -$900 if wish to make anything, piece never sells.
I have been a foolish man, but I fell in love, and when I do, I am dedicated. The last week we were in hotel she wanted me to move into her room. I did. We had a little fun but I did not have sex out of respect for her. The rest of the time she wrapped her blankets around her so we could not be touching, it was confusing to me. But, again, I took it as culture and my stupidity.
I messaged chat her yesterday.
ME _ "You cause me to wonder about some things. I will ask. You seem to have many health problems? Do you think you will pass a medical exam before interview?"
HER - " That is, I delicate. This is the answer to your first question.
What an odd question about the medical exam. You amaze me more and more. Are you afraid to lose your money?"
ME - "May I ask why you did not tell me about the possibility of delays when you said in ****** I will begin gathering all necessary documents when I return home to *******"? You know I have to ask"
HER - "I had no plans for delay. I don't expect their emerging situation. I'm not God.Did you remember that I got sick with severe flu in ******. But you were absolutely on the drum, that is, you didn't care for it."
HER _ "And by the way. This does not mean that I have a lot of health problems. After a bad landing in ******, plus severe influenza with complications. Perhaps this was the cause of the problem, the doctors trying to understand now. I think someone jinxed me. Someone was very jealous that I have a beloved man. And someone strongly doesn't want, I to leave Russia. I'm sure of it. Only knew a few people ( five.) I am a superstitious person. So I prefer most often to be silent and not to say anything about yourself."
Today communication is vacant, I am accused of having problems with trust. Now I get punished with silent treatment for a day or two.
Rick
The flight was 5 months ago. I have no problem buying her a computer. I sent the money. In my opinion, when I buy a computer. I research what my needs are on the line. Than I go to that store, look at it and purchase it. Not to mention she sent photos of her and daughter walking in her city for two days shopping, also included photos of the shopping bags. This was tow weeks after I sent money for computer. Even sent a photo in electronics store.
Вот с этим я полностью согласна. Обоюдное непонимание и нежелание вести диалог, вся история наполнена обидами и непониманием
Rick
I do not enjoy. I am here asking peoples opinions because I do love her, I am dedicated when involved with a woman. I am in the middle of the situation. I ask for some one out side to look in and tell me. Am I wrong, do I just not understand, Am I fool of the heart. I care. I have much time as she does in this relation.
Rick
Thank you, the whole situation makes me sad. I am tired of sad.
Rick
Thank you. I am astrological sign of Cancer. I am dedicated, blind, and foolish when it comes to love. When I give heart, I hold out till the end.
My motto is, " never give up, never stop trying, always try and improve myself "
Dear Rick,
Thank your for sharing your very personal story. Based on what I read, I think you are a decent, kind, and reasonable man. Also, I appreciate that you are capable to put your thoughts in writing in a clear manner with a good grammar and spelling. Makes it easy to read.
For over a year, I've been married to an Amerian man who I had met through a dating site. So, let me offer my opinion.
Sure, all relationships look differently. However, what you describe here does not look like a romantic relationship at all. You may be in love, as you said, but on the woman's side it seems very transactional. One of the details that stood out to me the most is the fact that during you FIRST meeting she would not put her phone down and kept texting to someone. Indicates to me, how little romantic interest she had in you. When one is in love, there is so much passion at the beginning of a realtionship, that it is difficult to take your hands off of your partner. One forgets to eat and sleep, let alone texting and chattin with friends. At least, that's how it was for us.
Second, the demands for money. The woman who is truly interested in you will never demand money for personal things, such as expensive suitcase, even before meeting with a man. I beilieve, it is acceptable to cover a woman's expenses for travelling such as airfare and hotel, as well as restaurants within reasonable limits.
Third, and the most important. I see a lot of discrepances in the story or to say francly, a lot of small lies. She disapprears all of a sudden without an explanation. She stops communication. She gets your money for a laptop but becomes too sick to go to the store to buy one. So many questions without answers...
Rick, I think deep inside you know already what to do. Had you trusted her, you wouldn't have opened this discussion here. Listen to your gut.
Respectfully,
Svetlana
Marriage is a hard work and a full commitment. Even more so is an international and intercultural marriage that involves moving countries and continents. Both spouses are a team and they must absolutely trust one another.
From my own experience, no matter how challenging the long distance relationship may seem, your wife's integration in America phase will be much tougher. If you have doubts now, the situation may become even worse afterwards. Sometimes one should have a courage and cut the losses early.
Nadezhda
Вы по Зодиаку - Рак ? наверное очень ревнивый и подозрительный ?
А женщина кто по гороскопу?
Rick
Every word I said, question I asked, made her angry. How does a man figure that one out I ask. Why is it so bad to ask over and over if we can do video chat once a week. A person who excepted your hand in marriage, says they love you? That is all I ever asked. I also sent money to the city she was delayed in because she said she had no money for food. I never had a problem paying for what I paid for, It was my choice. I ask where is the concern or appreciation on her part for our financial future?
Here is an example of what I question and get punished for. I was sent a photo last winter, in the back ground was daughter sitting with a man on sofa. At our meet, I asked who man was? I was told it is boy friend. O.K.
3 months later I ask her about my visit to her city, if possible to stay with her ( we are engaged to be married ). She says for her reputation she does not have men at her apartment. I bring out photo, send to her. I ask why is he there. Her immediate response " I have to go, I have a migraine" Three hours later she says it was her daughters ex husband and that was the last time they were together. Next I am scolded for accusations of mistrust and questioning her integrity over this. That she told me at the meet was not true because she did not know me well enough to talk about daughters personal life .
Salvador
I have been with great women at Moscow and SPB, it was a nice time spendng there. More If I never knew them nor have sustained contact before my trip.
usually the man paid the first dinning but after more interaction, I have experimented women trying to offer me food and attention, BUT not all women have enough money with their regular work, it is a reallity. The best is when they fed me with what was offered and I never care if it was a luxury dish in a fancy restaurant or a simple bread with red IKRA with butter; even I have received simple christmas presents ordinary compared with the Tequila, Regional candies of my city and some toys for the grandson of a great lady I met twice there. It is the intention of sincere and real people who gives the most from them, the warm mood and care toward you - me in this case-.
And I have spent a nice and lovely time there at Moscow and SPB, made young and old men friends.
My income here is regular and I feel low paid due to the type of tasks I do ( It is not the same level of economics compared with Germany, Japan, Findland, even USA). My income here is very high but not at the same lever as "First world countries".
I can travel overseas twice a year, I have my new and beautiful home, I continue support economically my last two children ( here by law I am obligated to give money until 25 years old if they are in school).
I analyzed how is it and If I divide the minimum payment "Salario Mínimo" with the value in pesos of One US Dollar, I saw the same ratio since more than 20 years ago. SO the economy is tied to external interests who set up the relation of money exchange and the level of richness of a country.
At the time they asked me how I lived, they were shocked by the amount of money I earn.
I am not rich nor poor, but I lived in peace caring mom at her home
Rick
Nadezhda
еще есть версия , что Вы напугали ее своим напором. Замучили своими подозрениями . Давите на нее . Может быть это ее пугает и отталкивает ?
Salvador
My opinion is that our friend has been scammed in the worse manner.
I have been lucky to not fall in these situations.
When women or men asked me for money; I discard them immediately.
What I have give as advice is how to make money.
Ben
Then STOP being a first-class masochist!
Aksi is right - you were 'enjoying' it - simply BECAUSE you allowed her to toy with you. If you don't show people their place and limits, they are likely to abuse you.
This bit.ch was / is using you like a footmat!
People only walk all over you when you allow them to.
Remember: no relationship is better than a bad relationship!
Regardless what that empty fa(r)t of a trollhead (41) says.
Follow her 'advice' and you'll walk the path of self-destruction.
Creatures like your bit.ch and the troll here never end up in a solid relationship: their heart (if they have one) end where their fingers end: in your bank account and in your wallet!
I only quote "thousands of meetings" - there is no greater testimony to her avarice, stupidity, self-indulgence, lack of upbringing and lack of education than her own words. Revolting really!
Where's your self-respect, man? Why would you let anyone use and abuse you like that?!
Don't fall into that trap - be better than that!
Rick
The computer was hinted at as being needed. i offered. I asked how much was needed last March, said $18,000 rubles. June I sent $350.00 U.S., told her it was for computer. She responded that Russia is very expensive, prices have gone up, now computer are $32,000.00 rubles. I send another $300.00 U.S. The computer type, needs, model were never discussed because I do not know what she needs in computer. Here is the money, go get it, done.
My accusations are 1) you had 4 months to select computer you say you need desperately. 2) you say we will do video chat after you get computer 3) I ask every week for month of July " have picked out computer yet" " no" 4) when I ask, she says I am rude and only worry about money or video chat. 5) since I sent money she has disappeared for one week on medical emergency, has been to city twice shopping all day. 6 ) I am confused, I am a man, I am a fool? 7) now I do not ask about computer, money, or video chat. I give, I help, I love = I get berated, I get ignored, I get scolded for questioning.
Liubov
Уважаемый Rick,если рассматривать вашу историю, с ваших слов, то это не очень позитивный пример общения. Хотя я вижу влюбленного "по уши" мужчину в свою леди и готового на многие уступки и вложения денежных средств, лишь бы быть рядом с ней, со своей мечтой. Но что же, быть счастливым, с любимой женщиной -это прекрасно. Но при этом нельзя "терять голову", тем более, если появляются некоторые сомнения, а их не так уж мало. Возможно, вы себя "накрутили" и некоторые ваши сомнения преувеличены и вы терзаете ее вашей излишней подозрительностью или ревностью. Постарайтесь успокоиться, неспеша проанализировать ваши отношения. Думаю, "на берегу" заранее обговорить все ваши "больные" вопросы. Наверное, у вас и у нее есть дети, близкие родные люди, с которыми надо так же считаться. Все ни так просто, как нам порой хочется и планы, которые мы строим, в один миг рушатся. Но все поправимо, если без спешки, и без "розовых очков" подойти к важным и "сердечным" делам. Прислушайтесь, не только к своему влюбленному сердцу, но и к разуму. Будьте уверенным в себя, мужчиной.Есть у поэта русской классики Пушкина А. такие строки, "...чем меньше женщину мы любим, тем больше нравимся мы ей..." Ваша судьба в ваших руках и только вам решать, как дальше поступить в ваших отношениях. Будьте благоразумны и конечно счастья вам и любви!
It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.
Especially the man in love. Especially one that is not difficult to deceive. A young woman who thus earns her living. And maybe her husband and her family. Because such a man himself is happy to be deceived.
Rick
Thank you, I fell in love with my heart. I have been dedicated to the relationship. It is very important for me to be honest, give all chances, erase all doubt. I am not sure. Do you think all people deserve a second chance to prove themselves? I am not sure. I think you are right, time for me to go. This pains me very much, I have put my life into this relation. I am emotionally attached, my vision is not clear, you are here to help me see. Thank you.
Rick
I thank you, I felt the same way. I wanted 100% of her time, did not take my eyes or mind off her. It was confusing to me. I also felt this was very rude behavior.
Rick
David
I dont care If i get every woman on this site on my back.... this guy is the Real Deal!!! He needs to toughen up! If this girl lets him go she could regret It for the rest of her life!!! The girl may already know shes messed up and full of guilt id normaly say run but im romantic so i change my view and say fight for her!!!! Talk about the disrespect and let her know your not happy about tell her your the man You have control and will book things and look after her. If shes already married just be honest! To get a child out of a country You often need the dads consent. In Ukraine Western man can buy this! Ukrainian bad husbands are whores for money.... (i dont know If russians the same) She Has seen soft Rick She now needs to see Rick the man!!! You Had fun yet You respected her (didnt have sex) yet She wraped towel/blanket round her You just Maybe the only ever man to respect her body the first and the last!!! Your a true gentlemen (infact Maybe the last true gentlemen) i dont think there can be any woman on earth who can be so cold That They cant feel your love! I can feel your love the way You write about her and ask peoples opinion but dont judge her!!! If this is to work You need to make the rules and take total control!!! Rick your more Of a man than me! I couldnt of gone 3 weeks without having sex with her and putting up with her spoilt childish behavior!! The girl needs to appriciate you If She dont She dont deserve you and next Time you wont make these same mistakes... there will be women on this site who would love a man like You!! Take control or walk!!! But If You listen to the Alanis Morrisette song Head Over Feet You are this man!!! Your so romantic.... You dont know the life this girl has had.... Girls How does Rick get this girl without her ripping him to pieces. Shes got to be impressed by his kindness? Yes hes a fool but a NICE FOOL and a ROMANTIC FOOL!!!! I once met a girl like her in a nightclub in Kiev but the date didnt get past the restaurant and the shoe shop i got rid Of her pretty fast... in Kiev there known as lazy girls..... i cant even contamplate 3 weeks with one!!! But youv spent all 2018 with her... the situation is so silly It may actualy work but You both need to talk!!! My only worry is What your showering her with is disproportionate to a eastern wage a teacher for example in Ukraine can earn $20 a week.... we have opened your eyes now... You decide What You want to do... but If You continue this You need to take control!!!! Jewelry shop i understand and SPB i know women so glad i was right.... What i dont know is How to convert a lazy girl to wife materiał! Be It her or another slavic woman You deserve a Good wife your a top bloke!!!
David
Ben theres a important two details we have missed the bloke loves her and the other fact She let him into her room last week yet he respected her.... then She used blacket to cover herself but She gave him the opertunity to go further but he respected her.... id not of done after two weeks If i loved her and i went though What hes been though... If the girl has a brain in her head She cant let him go and hes invested so much Time money and effort in this he needs to know the ending otherwise Its going to Bug him forever.... he should Of ran at the start... hes upto his neck in this now.. neither me or You could do this im sure but hes gone so far now!!! Whats Louis Vuitton and Louboutin woman from womens chat opinion who ever You was Its your style You may know the ending!! Im impressed That in 2018 he respected her in the bedroom after two weeks... i thought only our parents genarations did That these days!!
Nadezhda
я тоже думаю, что Рик не остановится . полетит к любимой.
Но как строить отношения и создавать семью , когда нет доверия?
Rick
She is Aquarius. I have been like you say. But at my age I am aware of it and do my best to control it. I tell in beginning of relation, and this is the truth. I can deal with anything, I can handle any situation - if I know what is going on - you must communicate with me. Some times you must remove my doubt, sorry but this is truth and I tell it up front.
Here is an example - you tell me that today is one of the biggest holidays, you and your daughter are going to sing in a show, there is parade, whole country celebrates. You will not be able to talk until late that night or tomorrow. O.K., I am fine, no problem. I sit for entire next day, wait on communication, anticipating photos of this joyous occasion. On next communication, nothing about holiday? I ask, please send photos, I wish to enjoy your day at a distance. Answer - "My camera on phone does not work, only daughter took photos with camera". No talk about the day at all, nothing, no photos. She says it was not that big of deal.
Do I feel left out?, yes. Do I get curious? yes. Do ask and pressure for answers ? yes.
What do I get. Accused of mistrust, no chat for another day. No photos. I have never seen anything from the big day.
In my opinion, in a long distance relation, yes there must be trust. But this trust is also earned. I also thought when two people love each other they would want to share their life, all the time. If you were my woman and questioned something I did, or wanted an answer about something. I would go to the end of the earth to prove your doubt was wrong, photo, documents, letters. What ever you asked for and I will not be angry because I understand, different culture, communication, long distance, different age, country. Is it not 100% dedicated in all things, to build together and learn and earn trust as one?
Aksi
Stop whining... No normal girl would date a man-whiner om. Your lady knows you can be used. I'm sorry, but it really is. If you don't like something, you say so and not moaning on the forum that you regretted... This post screams : pity me, poor and miserable, hurt me... I'm sorry if it was rude, but there's no other way.
Rick
Thank you Ben. I fell in love, I have been dedicated to the relation and her. I did not want to face reality. It makes me sad that I tried so hard, tried to understand, looked the other way. I am just a soft and nice guy. It is what it is. I do learn my lessons, but always the hard way. Now I am learning.
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